After working with my own grief and that of clients through the years, I noticed that it shows up differently from person to person, and in the same person, across time.
Depending on what underlies grief, whether it presents as sadness, anger and/or something else, it is often accompanied by trauma held throughout the body.
Grief takes many forms, including overwhelm and/or a sense of emptiness. It might show up as insomnia, mind racing or the inability to focus and concentrate. Frequently life seems hopeless. Sometimes grief includes feelings of “this can’t be real”, imagining the situation is temporary and thinking of asking a loved one, who has passed, how to deal with a situation.
Whether we are grieving the loss of someone, changed life circumstances or an illness, judging ourselves overlays the experience with greater suffering.
Working with clients and considering my own grief experiences highlighted that healing is a non-linear process. There can be extended periods of feeling better followed by deeper sadness as the grief journey meanders.
As we navigate the grief journey, may find ourselves slipping into “forever thinking”, feeling disappointed when good days do not follow, one after the next.
Since the healing process is ever changing, there is no one way to feel better. Rather, a wise question to ask is “what can I do to feel better in this moment?” Expecting grief to suddenly disappear or that one thing will heal grief forever is walking into a trap.
Leaning into comfort wherever it meets us, then feeling and expressing gratitude for the comfort creates a vibration that ripples throughout the Universe. Those ripples, carrying the resonance of our thankfulness and the signature of our solace, find others that match and, in turn, bring us deeper encouragement. This is one of the ways we co-create a softening of our pain.
If I took a close-up picture of one leaf on a tree and sent it to someone, they may think that was all there was in the park. If however, I stepped back 500 feet, that picture may include a pond, a Japanese maple, lily flower beds with assorted rocks, and a couple of goldfinches.
Nothing in the park changed between the two pictures. Only my perspective did. Similarly, when we consider the physicality of our daily lives as the full extent of all there is, we may miss what is beyond the here and now - our soul journey.
I have found it healing to my psyche to write letters to loved ones I sense are with me in spirit. This practice has helped me through painful times and deepened my relationship with those now in spirit. They sense and appreciate our communication and, as we open more to receiving signs and messages from them, so too does the fullness of our connection.
Since I believe my link with these souls is eternal, honoring our communication further enriches the bond. For me, it is also a way of remembering that my journey here is my soul experiencing life through physical form. This belief has been keystone to my ability to travel more lightly.
Discerning which healing tools to use is helpful. Not all tools are effective for what we may face at any given time.
Cultivating safety is fundamental to healing, as is learning nervous system regulation.
Embracing paradox is beneficial as we make our way, one moment, and then, one day, at a time.
Being able to hold the relief or joy of a meaningful experience along with sadness helps us recognize we can hold more than one feeling simultaneously. It takes us out of binary thinking and expands our emotional capacity for healing.
Surrendering to the Moment (opening up, not giving up)
Accepting that we are more than our physical experience of life is key to our wellbeing - spiritually, emotionally and physically. Being fully present to each moment, consciously surrendering to whatever it offers, helps broaden our perspective. There is real comfort in connecting more deeply, through faith, with Divinity in our lives.
Connection
While our first impulse while grieving may be to shut ourselves down and others out, staying connected to supportive family and friends and/or making new friends brings healing to our bodies and psyches.
Prioritizing Sleep and Healthful Eating
Since grief and trauma create layers of additional stress, it is important to be mindful of eating and sleeping well.
Finally, physical exercises to release trauma from the body, working with someone skilled in trauma healing, understanding our evolving emotional needs, working with our identity, and practicing techniques for ourselves, can all play a significant role in the healing journey.
Resources:
"Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief" by David Kessler
"Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief" by Joanne Cacciatore PhD
"The Grief Recovery Handbook" by John W. James and Russell Friedman
"A Time for Grace" by Caroline Myss PhD
"Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser
It's OK That You're Not OK" by Megan Devine ~~~~~~~~~
"The Myth of Normal" by Gabor Maté, MD
"It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle" by Mark Wolynn
"To Be Loved: A Story of Truth, Trauma, and Transformation" by Frank Anderson MD
"No Bad Parts" by Richard Schwartz PhD
"Sacred Medicine" by Lissa Rankin MD
"The Wisdom Codes" by Gregg Braden
EFT (Tapping) - I recommend tapping without words when people have difficulty thinking of what to say.
Meditation practice and listening to Theta Brainwave music. Link to some of Tara Brach PhD meditations https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-meditations/
Photo by Mariana Sturza
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